Disclaimer:I know that there are a lot of eating disorders.But I’ve only experienced anorexia, so I won’t write about the others.

I thought, that since my blog has started to grow a liiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit, I should probably stop sharing personal things and write more of the content that gets more views and ranks on the search bar(you know, trying to get that SEO right).But I just can’t call this a lifestyle blog is I’m not talking about my struggles.

If you’ve been reading this blog for 2 months AKA if you’ve read some of my very first blog-posts, I had talked about mental health and my struggles a lot(oddly enough, I was the most honest when I had no audience).

But if you haven’t read them, sorry.You can’t read them anymore.I deleted them.tumblr_p87vacH1lF1qe3rwko1_500

But yet again, the tagline of this blog is “Brutal honesty.Lots of it.”So it would make me a hypocrite to not be completely honest with you guys.

Jeez.I do NOT like cheese.And this blog has ALL of the cheese.

I don’t know where to start.I’m not going to make this a storytime blog-post.I want to be quick with it.I just want to get it out there.I want to let anybody out there who is going through the same thing that they’re obviously not alone.

Seriously, no matter what you’re going through, even if you’re going off about a paper cut or some shit, you’re NOT alone.There’s  more than 7 billion people in the world.

Okay, I’m just beating around the bush here.

I recently had an anorexia relapse.And I didn’t tell my anyone about it.If my mom reads this, she’s going to lose all chill.But eff that.IDGAF.

I had had anorexia for an entire decade in my life.Right from when I was in kindergarten, which is where it all began.I don’t know how or when I decided to recover.

It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever been through yet.Worse than being cheated on.Worse than losing a pet.Worse than being physically bullied.It was horrible.I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, ANYONE.

I tried to recover when I was 14, and failed.Relapsed.Got back up, and gave recovery another try.Failed.Gave it up for a year.

Then when I was 15 something got to me and I just wanted to get rid of it already.It was getting on my last nerve.I couldn’t even chew gum without bawling my eyes out right after, because “I just ate 7 calories, oh my god, the world is going to end”.

I was at my lightest when I was 15.I was SO underweight, that as soon as I would get up from a chair, I would collapse on the floor.

I’m SO proud that I recovered.It was a really long journey, and it honestly felt like forever.I still find it shocking that I had the drive to recover from one of the deadliest mental illnesses in the WORLD.

Seriously, allow me to brag here.Who can say that they once developed one of the deadliest mental illnesses in the world, and made it out ALIVE?Not many.(I’m not saying that having anorexia is cool, I really hope you got the point.)

But this month has put me back into denial.

I don’t even know where, why, or how it began this month.

The brain is so freaking shady like that.And it’s so freaking terrifying what the mind can do.

I started getting all the urges back.The urge to skip meals.The urge to over-exercise, the urge to constantly body-check in the mirror, the urge to look up awful things like “thinspo” and “pro-ana”(seriously.PRO ANA?!Who even made that term?!).

Even after I recovered   Pretty-much ever since I could think, I have always hated my body.Always.I still hate it.I hate almost everything about my appearance, except for my cat dimples.

People tell me things like “Oh, Nika, you’re hot”, “You probably get all the guys”, “you’re so thin,dude.”. I really don’t get it.They probably think I’m craving attention when I tell them that I hate my appearance.But I promise, I genuinely hate my appearance.

The one thing I absolutely love about myself is everything apart from my physical appearance.I love everything about my mind.I’m mature for my age, I have passions that I can do anything to pursue, all that good shit.

But I got back up.I’m doing a lot better now.

If you’re going through the same thing, a relapse doesn’t mean that you’re anorexic all over again.You’ve recovered before, and you can do it again.Just get back up.

Honestly, I could have told you the “No matter what size you are, you’re beautiful” BS.But it never helped me to hear that.I know that when you’re anorexic, in the middle of a relapse, or have had anorexia in the past, all that “positive” shit doesn’t work.”

But one thing that has worked for me is:

“Yeah, okay, I look like shit.What now?IDGAF.I have more things to do than worry about my weight. ”

This is one of the most honest and vulnerable rants I’ve ever posted on this blog.Like, if someone hates me and they read this post, bam.They’ve got a way to put me down.Just talk crap about my appearance.Okay, I probably gave the haters an idea.Whatever.

If you want to talk, DM me on Instagram(@nicculent).Subscribe to my YouTube channel(nicculent) .Follow this blog for more helpful stuff.

Au Revoir<3

source-my digital art magic


Posted by:Nika-Curious Millennial

I'm Nika, and I'm addicted to learning new things and sharing them with you.

13 replies on “My anorexia relapse lol

  1. Thank you for sharing your struggles so honestly. I am sure it will help others who are struggling with eating disorders and mental health issues in general. It’s something, I think, which stays with us as a struggle throughout our lives – some days more than ever. I was suicidal a few years back and it took me decades to realize I had major anxiety issues. It did not show up as anything serious to me until I became very depressed and started to get suicidal thoughts daily. I did see a therapist (cognitive behavior therapy) and was able to learn the tools I needed to cope. But I would be a liar if I said I never had suicidal thoughts again. Like I said, for me, some days are better than others. Keep fighting!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve had anxiet and suicidal thoughts too.but the ones who have been through this like me and you are way stronger than those who haven’t.we should feel proud!and remember, there’s always a reason to live.<3


  2. Thank you for sharing. I’m recovering anorexic. I’m 33 and there’s days I beat it and there’s days it beats me. I’ve gotten more control over the last few years and it’s been great. Hang in there it’s ok to be not ok sometimes and you have a lot of people cheering you on those days.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow thanks so much for reading, you’re very strong.This makes me want to write more posts about recovery tips and help.Keep fighting, one day you’re going to look back and feel hella proud<3


  3. Thank You for sharing your personal struggles, there’s definitely people that need to be reminded that sometimes it’s okay to fall as long as you get back up. I also struggled with it when I was younger, I mostly did it because I felt like I needed to be “accepted” until I realized that no matter what I did, it was never going to be okay, so I decided to live life my way from that point, Keep fighting!💖.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow!! I am so blown away by how you opened up and shared so much of your struggle!! I am very impressed by your determination to continue your recovery. Great job with the post AND taking charge of your life!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey dear! Thanks for checking out my blog. I’m reading some of your posts now. Sorry for the delay. ❤ . Stay strong and I'm proud of you for being able to share your experiences with the world. I sincerely hope that you'll be able to overcome your mental illness once and for all!

    Liked by 1 person

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