Disclaimer:I know that there are a lot of eating disorders.But I’ve only experienced anorexia, so I won’t write about the others.
I thought, that since my blog has started to grow a liiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit, I should probably stop sharing personal things and write more of the content that gets more views and ranks on the search bar(you know, trying to get that SEO right).But I just can’t call this a lifestyle blog is I’m not talking about my struggles.
If you’ve been reading this blog for 2 months AKA if you’ve read some of my very first blog-posts, I had talked about mental health and my struggles a lot(oddly enough, I was the most honest when I had no audience).
But if you haven’t read them, sorry.You can’t read them anymore.I deleted them.
But yet again, the tagline of this blog is “Brutal honesty.Lots of it.”So it would make me a hypocrite to not be completely honest with you guys.
Jeez.I do NOT like cheese.And this blog has ALL of the cheese.
I don’t know where to start.I’m not going to make this a storytime blog-post.I want to be quick with it.I just want to get it out there.I want to let anybody out there who is going through the same thing that they’re obviously not alone.
Seriously, no matter what you’re going through, even if you’re going off about a paper cut or some shit, you’re NOT alone.There’s more than 7 billion people in the world.
Okay, I’m just beating around the bush here.
I recently had an anorexia relapse.And I didn’t tell my anyone about it.If my mom reads this, she’s going to lose all chill.But eff that.IDGAF.
I had had anorexia for an entire decade in my life.Right from when I was in kindergarten, which is where it all began.I don’t know how or when I decided to recover.
It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever been through yet.Worse than being cheated on.Worse than losing a pet.Worse than being physically bullied.It was horrible.I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, ANYONE.
I tried to recover when I was 14, and failed.Relapsed.Got back up, and gave recovery another try.Failed.Gave it up for a year.
Then when I was 15 something got to me and I just wanted to get rid of it already.It was getting on my last nerve.I couldn’t even chew gum without bawling my eyes out right after, because “I just ate 7 calories, oh my god, the world is going to end”.
I was at my lightest when I was 15.I was SO underweight, that as soon as I would get up from a chair, I would collapse on the floor.
I’m SO proud that I recovered.It was a really long journey, and it honestly felt like forever.I still find it shocking that I had the drive to recover from one of the deadliest mental illnesses in the WORLD.
Seriously, allow me to brag here.Who can say that they once developed one of the deadliest mental illnesses in the world, and made it out ALIVE?Not many.(I’m not saying that having anorexia is cool, I really hope you got the point.)
But this month has put me back into denial.
I don’t even know where, why, or how it began this month.
The brain is so freaking shady like that.And it’s so freaking terrifying what the mind can do.
I started getting all the urges back.The urge to skip meals.The urge to over-exercise, the urge to constantly body-check in the mirror, the urge to look up awful things like “thinspo” and “pro-ana”(seriously.PRO ANA?!Who even made that term?!).
Even after I recovered Pretty-much ever since I could think, I have always hated my body.Always.I still hate it.I hate almost everything about my appearance, except for my cat dimples.
People tell me things like “Oh, Nika, you’re hot”, “You probably get all the guys”, “you’re so thin,dude.”. I really don’t get it.They probably think I’m craving attention when I tell them that I hate my appearance.But I promise, I genuinely hate my appearance.
The one thing I absolutely love about myself is everything apart from my physical appearance.I love everything about my mind.I’m mature for my age, I have passions that I can do anything to pursue, all that good shit.
But I got back up.I’m doing a lot better now.
If you’re going through the same thing, a relapse doesn’t mean that you’re anorexic all over again.You’ve recovered before, and you can do it again.Just get back up.
Honestly, I could have told you the “No matter what size you are, you’re beautiful” BS.But it never helped me to hear that.I know that when you’re anorexic, in the middle of a relapse, or have had anorexia in the past, all that “positive” shit doesn’t work.”
But one thing that has worked for me is:
“Yeah, okay, I look like shit.What now?IDGAF.I have more things to do than worry about my weight. ”
This is one of the most honest and vulnerable rants I’ve ever posted on this blog.Like, if someone hates me and they read this post, bam.They’ve got a way to put me down.Just talk crap about my appearance.Okay, I probably gave the haters an idea.Whatever.